Change

I’m confused. I don’t know what to do. What to expect, what to feel. I don’t know how to react, how to handle. I don’t know who I am and what I do; I do not know the person staring back at me in the mirror. It’s new. The glow on the oval-shaped face is the perfect give-away of a small secret in her heart. The clear blue eyes sparkle, a sign of joy. The small smile that shows in one corner of her full, soft, pink lips show her guilt; she is not the angel you thought she would be. But see, she is new. New in a situation she is not familiar with, new with dealing with specific things. Because the sparkle in the blue eyes and the hint of that smile hide something deeper. See that frown on her forehead, hiding nothing but the fact that she is thinking. Yes, she is a thinker. Not just a thinker, but someone who thinks too much, going over all the details of the past. Digesting her life, processing her every action and the others reaction. In that she is still me, the old me. Before I met her. So funny how one simple thing can turn around your perspective and make the earth spin the other way. Like the north- and South Pole decided to switch places, like winter is the new summer and that all in reverse. The difference between the woman in the mirror and the girl in my heart has never been so small, but so big at the same moment. My insecurity overrules her certainty. Her craving overrules my conscience. Together our forces joined, like a child that is holding a teddy bear and refuses to let go. Like a mother in the passionate embrace with her small child who just got hurt. The mirror and I smile, and together we form the new me. The stronger me, the passionate me. The one who cares, the one who feels. No secret will ever be shown to the surrounding like it was before. No words that can give us away will ever enter my mouth and exit through my lips. My smile is still there, only bigger and more secure. My eyes still sparkle, my skin still glows. Deep down inside the transition is made and completed, without having effect on the rare exterior. And as far as you’re concerned: I’m still here. It’s still me. And I’m still waiting. Waiting for you.