Bittersweet panic

I can feel the pain

I’m trying to open my eyes

I cannot see

I’m surrounded by total darkness.

Distress takes over

I am trying to move

But something is restraining me

I open my mouth to scream, no sound.

Bittersweet panic starts in my heart

Moving along with my blood

I can feel it flowing, pounding

Hot, salty tears start streaming down my face

I can hear their footsteps

Hear their pain they’re reflecting on to me

I take a moment, calm myself

Concentrate, concentrate.

A gentle push, a soft touch,

Something is here with me

Trying to free me from my prison

Trying to release me from Hell.

The moment my feet touch the ground

I remember the cause of the pain I endure

Your carelessness, your coldness

When you told me.

The ground collapsed under me,

Anger took over my control,

I spit out the words I never meant to say

And told you I never loved you.

My misery now is nothing compared to what I’ve done to you

You, the one I would never want to miss

My heart, my soul, my smile

All of me disappeared when you left.

I want to go back,

Go back to you and not lay here in stead,

Call you, write you, give you back my heart

Make you believe that I do, love you

But I can’t, I don’t even dare to do that

You’re so close, so far, stuck in my head

My arms ache for your embrace

My body yearns for your touch

I’m lost, lost in my thoughts,

Lost in my misery, and I hear their footsteps coming closer

I expect the worst and prepare for the pain

Take a deep breath

And suddenly your arms are around my

I feel their warmth, I feel you kissing me

Frozen by surprise I turn my head, smile

“I love you”, you said, I nodded, and said it back

Simple kindness

Love is like water,

a gentle river flowing through mountains,

like a waterfall falling from high cliffs,

undefined beauty, pride.

It's scared to wade through the water,

Afraid to fall and slip, it takes a while to be able to swim,

The fear of drowning present with every step,

Getting used to the cold.

And then you slip, not knowing what to do,

paranoia, death, you regret your first steps,

Until you notice that you're floating,

a thousand invisible arms lift you up.

You get comfortable in the water.

You feel that moving your arms and legs simultaneously

make you float easily, make you move forward,

faster, faster.

You're enjoying the water, enjoying it's temperature,

Enjoying the feeling of those thousand hands,

helping you move forward, 

gently moving along the flow.

But the waterfall gets closer.

You don't know what to do, you get scared,

before you know it you're falling..

Falling.. and then you're miles deep under the surface.

And once again you feel you're drowning,

regret your decision to swim, to enjoy this envious water,

Cry, scream, but only bubbles leave your mouth and body,

Until the thousand hands pick you up again.

And you're back. You can breathe, you're still alive,

the water feels even better, as if it's apologizing for it's roughness,

You smile, laugh, cry, you're happy again,

And the water is your best friend again.

You swim again, with confidence,

You go faster, but take it slow this time, prepared for the unknown,

The fish are your friends, supporting you, helping you,

and the water?

The water is your love, it's flowing with you, 

will never lose you out of it's sight,

But you're not swimming, nor surrounded by water,

It's simple kindness; it's love.

An emotion so pure, so dangerous,

You'll stumble, you'll fall, you'll be naive, 

But whatever happens, the one you love,

will pick you up, help you, love you.

And I do, love you. 

 - written for my immortal beloved.

CRSS by HRH.