Change

I’m confused. I don’t know what to do. What to expect, what to feel. I don’t know how to react, how to handle. I don’t know who I am and what I do; I do not know the person staring back at me in the mirror. It’s new. The glow on the oval-shaped face is the perfect give-away of a small secret in her heart. The clear blue eyes sparkle, a sign of joy. The small smile that shows in one corner of her full, soft, pink lips show her guilt; she is not the angel you thought she would be. But see, she is new. New in a situation she is not familiar with, new with dealing with specific things. Because the sparkle in the blue eyes and the hint of that smile hide something deeper. See that frown on her forehead, hiding nothing but the fact that she is thinking. Yes, she is a thinker. Not just a thinker, but someone who thinks too much, going over all the details of the past. Digesting her life, processing her every action and the others reaction. In that she is still me, the old me. Before I met her. So funny how one simple thing can turn around your perspective and make the earth spin the other way. Like the north- and South Pole decided to switch places, like winter is the new summer and that all in reverse. The difference between the woman in the mirror and the girl in my heart has never been so small, but so big at the same moment. My insecurity overrules her certainty. Her craving overrules my conscience. Together our forces joined, like a child that is holding a teddy bear and refuses to let go. Like a mother in the passionate embrace with her small child who just got hurt. The mirror and I smile, and together we form the new me. The stronger me, the passionate me. The one who cares, the one who feels. No secret will ever be shown to the surrounding like it was before. No words that can give us away will ever enter my mouth and exit through my lips. My smile is still there, only bigger and more secure. My eyes still sparkle, my skin still glows. Deep down inside the transition is made and completed, without having effect on the rare exterior. And as far as you’re concerned: I’m still here. It’s still me. And I’m still waiting. Waiting for you. 

wait

I’m waiting for you, somewhere at a station

Staring at the clocks, anxious for you to come

And all those trains, every single one of them a bigger insult

I’m still waiting for you

I imagine your face, your smile

Your bright eyes, your soft cheeks

I yearn for your touch; cannot wait to see you

But you’re not here

No message, no call

No one to answer my cry

And my heart breaks and shatters into a thousand pieces

Because you left me standing here, alone

I turn and with hanging shoulders walk away

Step by step, tears blinding my sight

Agonizing pain washes through me

Why did you leave me here?

But then I hear the sound

The sound of your voice calling for me

My lips curl up, I straighten my shoulders

And turn around, there you are

Running through the crowd, bag in your hand

You speed towards me while I stare at you in shock

I move forward, spread my arms to embrace you

We collide; you’re in my arms, at last

The dark clouds fade away, making place for the sun

The birds come alive and start singing

My heart beats like the fastest drum

And cry a million tears, you’re here.

‘I love you,’ you say while you kiss me

Those three words, and you make my day

With a smile in my voice I whisper in your ear

‘I love you, too’

Rhythm of summer

The soft summer breeze was caressing my skin

The first signs of summer, the fateful begin

While the sun is intently heating and warming my soul

I stretch, yawn, and turn around once more

I look up, and smile, while I see the pleading blue skies

See the trees shaking off their winter coat, softly and wise

And listen; hear the leaves dancing on the rhythm, the rhythm of summer

But then the remarkable, unmistakable sound enters my ears

I close my eyes and turn; smile brightly when the first, hesitant tones start

Tones of the birds, joining in in the rhythm of summer, a define piece of art

Together with the unforgettable humming of the bees

Wherewith my mind in all its rest softly agrees

Then you enter, your soft, unremarkable footsteps on the grass

Bouncing back on their turn, fragile but strongly like the strongest glass

You, the one who takes the everlasting winter off like a glove,

My sweet, sweet summer love.

Your fingers briefly touch my back while you greet me

Making me calm like the gentle, breaking waves of the sea

You, the one I will never, ever get tired of,

My sweet, sweet summer love

I like the way you look at me, your happy eyes shining bright

Your bouncy hair that I could stroke, all day, all night

Your even more beautiful smile, showing bright teeth while you part your lips

And passionately, softly kiss me, and overshadow summer like a lost eclipse.

It’s just you and me together in this green, comfortable garden

Making the days not accompanied by you feel like a aching burden

And nothing matters to me more, even summer, than your pleasing company

Peaceful, together, alone, joining in our rhythm of summer, serenity.

 - You know. 

   Cyresse, June, 3, 2013. 

verwerken

ik wil niet verwerken
ik wil strijd, ik wil spijt
ik wil mijn eigen pijn
ik wil niet verwerken

ik wil schreeuwen, ik wil zien
ik wil voelen, horen
ik wil niet verwerken
nu nog niet

ik wil niet verwerken
ik wil strijd, ik wil spijt
ik wil de last van het dragen
ik wil nog niet verwerken

maar daar is de verwerking
die tovert de lach op mijn gezicht
laat mijn ogen stralen
verwerken, het leven van het lied

mijn hand rijkt naar jouwe
en samen kunnen wij dit aan
vrolijk door het leven
verwerken laat ik staan.

Give up

From sweet pain I swear not,

Never ever, will I ever give up?

Oh my, my body aches

Aches of pain

No, I say not, for it is an itch

An annoying itch

An itch that could be called you

Where you touched me when you left

Left into the darkness

And you left me there,

Standing there in the middle

Of the night. Alone.

Nobody to pick me up

Nobody to come, care

Nobody to bother, help!

Again, alone.

You left me tears, love,

Make them disappear

With just one wipe of your hand

The back I say, touch me

Make the itch go away

Together with my aching pain

For you are the one I love

For ever, I will not give up.

queen

As I fade into the nothingness of the night
step by step, accepting the darkness
further out of sight

all alone, but my phone and music
the bass hammering down my brain
guiding me somewhere, in this unknown terrain

of the night, where nothing is to be seen
maybe the stars are the traitors
kidnapping you to the residence of the queen.

The lights of the station slowly fading away
I hear my train leaving
on this summer evening, somewhere late in may.

I feel her watching
her guards closing me in
to catch me, and sacrifice me to her king

But my music, the traitress
makes my feet dance in an unexpected direction
guiding me further, aimlessly.

So I escaped the danger,
expectant to the next danger ahead,
and fade again, into the nothingness of the night.